I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
