If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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