She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize