Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
