I feel great
I just peed on a car
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
