Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
