is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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