I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
