i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize