it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
