so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
