You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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