who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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