At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
