god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
