My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
