I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
