Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
