the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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