I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
