Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
if only i could text you this smell
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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