Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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