My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize