YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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