The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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