i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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