one word: firstdatebathroomanal
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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