Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
