when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
