im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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