and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
