I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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