This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
