hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
