She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize