meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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