My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
