i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
