When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i came on her dog
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
