i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
