She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
