Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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