i don't like sucking hair
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
