I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize