gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
