just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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