Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
