i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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