Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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