Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
