my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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