am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
