Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
