I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
