we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
