I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
