Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
