dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
