i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
