You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
