I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
