Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just had sex on a roof
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize