dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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