I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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