Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
