listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Welp...herpes.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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